Support

Gayle gently drove me to an introductory cancer support group meeting this evening.  She had gone last week and decided it would be good for me to attend.   Remember me mentioning that often she has these ideas that are good, but difficult to implement?

So what is so difficult to implement here?  Let's list the issues, I am a guy, who is not very verbal in person, who does not freely express his feelings, privately or publicly, who tends to be anti social in nature.  What can go wrong here?

The support groups are designed to give you a perspective of you are not alone.  Their goal is to get you into groups that are targeted for your type of cancer.  This doesn't sound like that bad of idea does it.  That is the problem.  My normal George says, don't do it,  my conscious George (Gayle) says it would be a good thing to do.

As you may know, as I age, normal George's won loss record is slanted to the loss side.  Conscious George (Gayle) has been gaining steam and winning by large land slides.  But normal George still has that inborn stubborn streak.  As we can tell by my medical history, that stubborn streak probably contributed to the bypass surgery and late colonoscopy.  Conscious George (Gayle) has been running at about 95% correct.  I reserve the 5% for the margin of error and preservation of my ego.

So you get this feeling of where this all is heading.

Update: Round 3

White blood count came back up and round 3was administered.  This time around I have immediately
felt the side effects.  I'm a bit unsteady (shaky) even when I'm walking.  My new tradition with the start of each new round is a bowl of chicken pho.  As I began to eat my soup, I had visions of my dad in his later years shaking as he ate.  I'm sitting there trying to lift the plastic soup spoon with my hand shaking and mouth vibrating out of sync with the hand.  To make things more difficult, I was unable to enjoy a glass of lemonade and soda (similar to a Lemon Squash drink in Japan) or a lettuce wrapped egg roll.  Even taking the three chemo pills after dinner was difficult.  As I'm sitting here, I feel a very slight vibration throughout the body.  I can't  figure out if it is a cumulative build up from previous rounds or the two weeks off due to the low white count.

Perspective check:  I recently read that it is increasingly possible to live to 115.  But I just may have a better understanding the inevitable degeneration of our bodies as we age.  I should repeat that even in a crowded waiting room, I am still one of the youngest there.

Update:  short term memory loss.  I keep forgetting to run the faucet until the water warms up when washing my hands.  Cold equals fuzzy electrical sensation on the skin.

Batter Up

I have a habit of waking up late and then head out searching for breakfast.  Every once in awhile I end up at McDonalds for an egg mcmuffin.  It became a watershed moment when the server automatically announced that she was giving me the senior coffee.  Wait a minute, did I ask for  the senior discount?  Then I looked around me and noticed that everyone there were on the grey side.  Apparently weekday mornings at Mc Donald's are a key time to find seniors.  I humbly accepted my senior coffee.

Humility tends to come in bunches.  I was confident about starting round 3 of chemo.  I had my routine down.  Schedule in the late afternoon, request a ride to get there, dress warmly with long pants, bring my backpack with all the essentials (iPod, headphones, iPad, books).  I get called in to get my blood tested, then stroll in to select and settle into my recliner.  Methodically positioning myself near an outlet and a view out the window.  Then comes the news that my white blood count was too low and that my treatment will be postponed for another week.  I pack up my stuff and shuffle out the room.

It was like being called to pinch hit in a baseball game.  Getting your name called By the manager, selecting your bat, warming up in the batters circle taking practice swings in sync with the pitcher.  Strolling up to the plate, settling in and ready to take that first pitch when you are called back to the dugout.  You can tell I watched a Dodger game tonight.

I was told that this was not unusual.  Apparently chemo does reduce the white blood count, and they did not want it going lower, increasing the risk for infection and the ability to fight back.  But this pushes back my chemo schedule another week to end in late Jan. This pushes chemo into Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It never occurred to me that there would be setbacks like this. Other than altering my calendars. It pushes back the goal or light at the end of the tunnel. Or as Gayle puts it, someone is trying to teach me something but i just don't quite get it.