There are quite a few things I never expected to happen in my life. I never expected to officiate a memorial service (3 so far), under go open heart surgery, or make decisions on another's life. I had promised my mother before she passed that I would take care of her husband (her second marriage, no blood relation),
I was in charge of his care and health decisions. That would entail taking him to his Dr. appointments, Hospitalizations, picking up his prescriptions, dealing with the Care Home and the associated bills.
Tosh would end up in the hospital about every 4 to 6 months for various ailments, this last one was fatal. (his hospitalizations would occur at the worst times, during Jeff's back surgery, right after my bypass surgery, are the major ones that come to mind). He always had a strong heart, but for some reason he contracted a bleeding disorder similar to Hemophilia. It took Kaiser a little over a week to figure out what was causing the bleeding (14 units of blood later). Once the Dr. determined the cause and course of action options, it was up to me to ultimately decide on how he will live out the rest of his life.
I had scheduled a meeting with the Dr's. to go over Hospice care after determining that any course of action to prolong his life, would actually cause major side affects or accelerate his death. It was a surprise to get the call of his passing that morning, the previous night he was up, alert, responding to my questions and looking relatively well. I had been having trouble getting hold of his last surviving brother and finally left a note at his door about Tosh's condition. He got to the hospital a few minutes after he passed.
The decisions I made were to ensure of his care, with little emotional attachment. I did not really know Tosh, he kept his distance from the family. My obligation was to my mother, in spite of our contentious relationship. Making the decisions about his health was not difficult, emotional detachment allows for straight forward decisions not encumbered by feelings of guilt. But seeing him laying in the bed after he passed bothered me. It was like, things could have been done better......but we did the best we could. I remember having to hospitalize him soon after my bypass surgery. Visiting him during my recovery selfishly thinking was this the reason I was allowed to live? To take care of a man that had little respect for me or my family? I learned that living does not allow for free passes, life continues and you have to deal with it.
For a man who was not gracious at times to those around him, his care givers did have an affection for him. He gave them grief and was not easy to deal with. But after delivering the news of his death, they were greatly saddened and asked about a viewing. The Takahashi bothers have a history of quick cremation and scattering at sea of the ashes with little fanfare.
What this experience told me was that we affect people no matter our disposition. As much as we say, just bury me with no fuss, it is those who have been left behind that need at least a little closure. Even if the person was deeply hated (Tosh was not) an emotional bond was tied and closure is still required. I am in a quandary as to how to provide this to those who knew him outside of the family. For his brother, I have arranged a excursion to scatter his ashes at sea.
I have a responsibility to still honor his life, not matter how he lived it.
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