There Must be Better Things to Read Online

I'm a little surprised people actually read this blog.  I use it more for therapy than for information or amusement.  I am attempting to correct any perceptions based on a previous post.  It was written after the initial diagnosis at 4 in the morning.

At this point of time, I'm not feeling as though the diagnosis is fatal.  There is more hope than futility.  As one doctor put it, "if it was stage 4, there is nothing we can offer."  Ouch.  That kind of woke me up a bit.

I have family, a wife that will not let go, friends, co workers who have shown tremendous support.  This is a bit unusual for me this time, as I am more accepting of the support.  During the heart bypass, I wanted to be in solitude.

But I will admit, the wait is driving me batty.  2 months for a colonoscopy, 2 weeks to get scheduled for surgery, 3 weeks until surgery, 2 more weeks before knowing the future course of action, 6 months of possible Chemo therapy.  In between all of this are appointments, more pokes to the veins,  opinions from different perspectives, instructions through multiple phone calls.

I now keep my insurance card next to my drivers license as each Dr.  and lab requires a copy.  I have memorized all of my medications and dosage.  I am now quite familiar with my family health history which may be painting a genetic path that has been passed on to the boys (sons and grandsons).  I have actually read the fine print of all the multiple documents presented to me for my signature.

I am constantly carrying my folder of information with a spiral notebook of notes as they occur down this path of uncertainty.  It becomes my other therapy and a distilled record of events.

I find myself preparing my hospital bag 3 weeks in advance.  Amazon is benefiting from my book requests.  You would assume I am purchasing inspirational life stories or theological themes.  I am ordering books on how to create videos, audio recording through the computer, and improvisational comedy.  And an old tattered copy of the NIV bible that is printed in novel form.  Chapters, paragraphs, single column, no notes, commentary, etc.

I would assume all of this is an indication that I expect to continue living for some time.

I am also revisiting the will, trust, what will Gayle be left with.  I am also reinforcing to the boys that no matter what happens to me, they are to continue living their lives.  It does not go on hold or sidetrack from what they are doing.   Finish school, get married, have the grandkids I will not live to see.  Oops.

You can tell that is a re occurring thought.  Here is hope that I do get to see them all in my lifetime here on earth.